Past Deadline: Good Thing My Cat Can’t Read

Posted: December 1, 2013 in Past Deadline, Stephanie Gray, Stephanie Gray Communications
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Here is the Nov. 28/13 edition of Past Deadline, published in The Perth Courier:

Good thing my cat can’t read

Last week I found myself mentioning kitty barf on various social media venues.

Probably this column should be about using one’s filters so as to not lose readership, however, I think the kitty barf stuff may be more amusing.

It all started about 17 years ago when we got a cat. Regular readers know him as MacGregor. Lately I have been calling him Purrsona Non Grata, which I happen to think is very clever.

Purrsona Non Grata, aka MacGregor

Purrsona Non Grata, aka MacGregor

MacGregor is a short-haired cat, so hairballs have never been a huge problem. Nevertheless he does like to, shall we say, express himself on a fairly regular basis.

There’s a cartoon on our fridge that shows an old lady looking at her “daily to-do list.” First on the list is “Clean up cat barf.” It’s not quite that bad here, but sometimes I feel like that old lady.

MacGregor’s an odd fellow. He has a water fetish. He is in love with his water dish. He will circle around it like a dog preparing for a nap, paw at it a bit and then snuggle up to it and delicately drink.

We keep water next to his food in the kitchen, but we had to set up a pretty little bowl upstairs in the bathroom, too. This provides the added bonus of no one ever being lonely in the bathroom because as soon as you walk in, the cat follows you for a drink.

(By the way, he is not diabetic. He just loves his water. Truly.)

The good thing about him being a “heavy drinker,” which is the silver lining in this little kitty tale, is that when our favourite little hurler decides to do his thing, it tends to be just water.

That’s pretty much the only good thing, though. Watery barf can be hard to see.

Remember all the stories I told in the summer about ripping up carpet on the stairs and in the upper hallway? Well, watery or not, kitty barf was a leading factor in our decision to do that. Everyone knows that if your flooring is almost entirely hardwood and tile, kitty’s going to do his deed on the lonely bit of carpeting. It’s in the rule book.

MacGregor also has a habit of getting this particular job done in the middle of the night or very early in the morning, while people are sleeping. (Warning: Sarcasm ahead.)

This is perfect because we were just getting to that stage in life when we were wondering what on earth to do about the fact the kids were sleeping through the night and nothing was waking us up. I mean, who needs a solid sleep? Sleep is for the weak.

Now that the carpet is gone things echo more, so the barfing is even louder than before. There really is little hope of sleeping through it.

Still, the hallway is pretty boring now that all that carpet is gone, so MacGregor has decided to add a new twist. Apparently it’s much more fun to step into Girlchild’s room, where a kitty can find all sorts of clutter – dolls, books, artwork, clothing – upon which to emit his watery vomit. This comes with the added bonus that she always wakes up.

And then we all wake up.

Last week was particularly fabulous because it featured not only two consecutive nights of kitty-barf incidents, but Girlchild had a bout of barfies, too. Hers was not water.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, led to a few too many unfiltered references to barf on social media last week.

There, see? Aren’t you glad I shared? (Let’s blame sleep deprivation.)

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